A Dose of Reality

Ok, let me warn you. This is not a feel good Christmasy post, but my spirit is heavy and I am going to get this out and then move on with a wonderful Christmas.

I said in an ealier post that I would share more about my little Dylan later. Well, here it is. Dylan came to live with us at 2 months old and was exposed to cocaine. We kept him while his birthmom was supposed to go to rehab and get it together so that she could get him back. Well, she pretended for awhile, but never was able to get it together. Meanwhile, Dylan(then Adrian) was going through withdrawels from cocaine. It was horrible!!! He cried ALOT. He couldn't handle the stimulation of lights, and noises. Even eye contact was difficult for him. He had tremors in his legs and was just a pitiful little sight. He had respiratory problems because of exposure to smoke. It was so sad to watch this prescious baby suffer the consequences of her horrible choices. After about 3 months the little boy we now know began to emerge. The visits with his birthmom were less frequent. Long story short, his birthmom voluntarily relinquished her rights and we adopted Dylan just before his first birthday. I will always be grateful that she made this choice for him. My DH was adopted and an open adoption was very important to him, so we have maintained contact with dylan's birthmom.

Ok, that brings me to today. Jessica called earlier this week and is out of jail(after about 6 months). we scheduled a visit for this morning. While in jail we have received the nicest letters from her. I took her a Bible and my hope has been that she would come out of jail a different person than she went in. After all, Jesus came for the lost, and lost she is... Oh how she needs a Savior!! She had sent me a letter with an address to send pix of Dylan and then a few months later sent another letter telling me not to send anything to that address because bad things happen there. Ok, this is where she is living and planning to marry this man in the next few months.

Today visit... She ran to the car and said hello to Dylan. He doesn't know her. He cried and I held him. She introduced this new man as Dylan's new step father. The man smelled of sweat and alcohol. You know that smell I'm talking about. We went in McDonalds and I put Dylan down to play. Jessica and I talked about the fact that he hasn't seen her in 7+ months and it will take time for him to know who she is. The visit was very heavy. I don't know any other way to describe it. Without any words, I know that the Jessica that went to jail is most likely the same one I saw today. The man with her asked her is she wanted to take Dylan with her. She said to him that Dylan won't even let her hold him he is not going to go with her. Then she asked me if she will be able to have unsupervised visits with him. WHAT???? Did I hear that right???? Is she kidding?? I told her no. I am sorry, but no. She changed the subject. The man refered to Jessica as Dylan's mom during the visit. The visit lasted all of 15 minutes. As she was leaing Jessica told me that she has a job and will be sending money each month to help care for Dylan. I told her that I don't want money. She needs to use that money to care for herself. I told her that when we adopted Dylan we accepted responsibility for him and that all of his need are taken care of. I gave er pictures of him that we just had made and they left.

Ok, those are the facts!!! now since this is my blog, here's what I am feeling. I am sad! I am mad! I am slightly fearful! Why do I want so bad for her salvation? I want her to break this cycle and allow God to transform her!! She is not a bad person, but she is very addicted and very lost. I MUST accept that changing her is not my responsibility. Then I'm mad. How dare she ask to take him with her. She knows what is going on. She may think she is fooling me, but she knows the environment she is asking to take him to. She already hurt him once and it is my job to protect him now. I am taken back to that cocaine addicted baby that couldn't stand for you to love on him and touch him because he didn't fully develop in her cocaine exposed womb. I hated hearing them refer to themselves as his mom and step dad. The guy was creapy. I am slightly fearful of him. Not physically, but spiritually. He was nice to us, but you could just feel the negative. Anyway, the visit was yuck. I am going to take Tony with me from now on.

The silver lining is.....Dylan is no longer in that world. I am his mom and Tony is his Dad, and dalton is a most amazing big brother. Dylan has amazing aunts, uncles, grandparents and cousins that he will get to spend Christmas with, and who apreciate the miracle of his little life. Jessica's choices no longer affect him because God has protected him. What an amazing little boy he is, and what an amazing Christmas this is going to be!!

Ok, I got it all out. Now, I am going to clean house and prepare for company tonight.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!